THIRTY-EIGHT
“This is a big scandal. This is not the right time for the annulment,” dad said while holding the bridge of his nose. “You’re putting us to shame, what if Lauren will react and ruin us in public? She’s a celebrity and she can have people’s sympathy. Her impact on the public is undeniable.”
We are here in dad’s office inside the mansion. Because it reached him that I filed an annulment, so he called us all, including my brothers. Dane, Dave, and Dylan are here. I don’t know why they need to be here. This is my only issue.
“Can’t we talk about everything first, Dale?” Mom said.
“Lauren admitted that she fell for me,” I answered.
“So, what’s the issue? Isn’t it good if your relationship continues?” Dylan said. “It’s still a win-win. You have nothing to lose, she has nothing to lose.”
“I can’t give her the love she wants. I don’t love her.” I turned to him.
“In denial,” he replied. “It’s obvious that you don’t want to admit it.”
“What is this all about, Dale? I thought you’re ok?” dad asked. “You said you already moved on with Carmona. You forgive her.”
“I am, but not with what happened to me.” I bowed when I said that. “You know what I mean.” I hear daddy gasp.
“It’s a small thing, Dwayne Dale. You don’t think about the outcome. You’re giving me disappointment. You’re always putting us in a shameful situation if ever Lauren will react.”
“Is my reluctance to pursue the agreement for the good of Lauren a disappointment? This is not only for me, this is for her too. This is for the best of her.”
“This is not the right time. His daddy’s giving period hasn’t started yet. His daddy has pending investors who depend on us. When the annulment issue comes out, the investors will leave, and the Del Fuegos will lose a lot. Did you understand that? Not us, but them,” dad explained.
“But you can help them to explain to the investors that our issues are different from yours. They are still a part of our business, they are still part of Dy and what goes in and out of them is still from Dy.”
“Why are you forcing yours? We only asked for five years. You have been together for two years.” There was annoyance in his voice.
“I never said no to you, dad.” I smiled mischievously. “I always said yes and yes to everything you said because I don’t want to disappoint you. I never ask, I always go with the flow. But why now, why since I followed your wishes, I still don’t seem to have done anything right? I still can’t decide for myself.”
“Dwayne Dale, son, what your dad wants to—-” Mom said but I interfered with her.
“Why does it seem like I became obedient because of a mistake I didn’t mean?”
“Dwayne Dale.”
“Is it that hard to forget what I did? Is it so serious that even though you just like what I followed and I couldn’t give myself anymore, you still see me for what I was before? Why is Dylan, repeatedly making mistakes is ok? Because he’s your favorite? Why can’t I make a mistake, can’t say no?”
“Asshole, why do you include me here?” Dylan complained. “It’s a panic.”
“Because that’s the truth, Dylan. Why is it okay when you’re okay, but when we’re not okay?”
“Asshhole, why are you so jealous of me? Why does it seems that my fault that you couldn’t fight for what you want and you can’t stand up for yourself and can’t make a decision? If you want something, then take it.”
“Dylan, that’s not what Dale meant,” Dave said. “I understood him. Sometimes I also thought that why is everything ok when it comes to you? But it’s difficult for us to adjust,” he added.
“You guys are idiots. It turns out that your jealousies will deepen for no reason at all.” Dylan shook his head. “When you failed, I am here to support you. And now that you have a problem as if I am involved in your failure that you make. While you are the one who entered the door you will find it difficult to get out. Did I tell you to make it? Why did I fail and get hurt, did I involve you? When I mourned and made a mistake, did I blame you?”
“Dylan, not like that—”
“That’s right, Dane.” He interrupted what Dane had to say. “You always see me and become an example when you make a mistake. As for me, all I want is to help you, but why am I always your enemy in the beginning? What did our parents do to make you guys jealous of me? We are treated the same, right? You work part-time, don’t I? You worked hard for luxury, I worked hard too. Why, did I ask daddy for something that he gave me free and not you? We all worked hard for ourselves. All of us, including me, and not just you. If I can do what I want to be free, it’s because I fought for what I want and stood by my decision. Have you done that for yourselves?”Contentt bel0ngs to N0ve/lDrâ/ma.O(r)g!
No one answered us what Dylan said. Even Dane and Dave were quiet.
“Dale, son, what is really happening to you?” Mom asked when Dylan stopped.
“I feel useless mom, I feel that no matter what I do, I am still Dwayne Dale who is a sinner. The one who once gave you shame. I set aside my wants, my passion, and everything that I know that can make me happy. Because you told me not to pursue it and I will not be good at it. I follow you because I believe you only want what’s best for me. Though I know I can be the better me with the passion that I want.”
“Are we the one who told you to say yes to us?” dad asked. “It is your decision. It is your choice. We didn’t tell you to say yes. We asked you and let you decide. You are the one who says yes to what we say. You are the one who doesn’t say no. Also, why are you all comparing yourselves to Damon? Why, can you do what he does?” dad asks us.
Dylan was looking at us shaking his head when daddy spoke again.
“Dwayne Dale, do you think when I stopped you from becoming a teacher if you fight for what you wanted, I would really fight back?” he asked me. “I shifted you to another course, yes. But if your desire is really in your heart, you will fight for it just like Damon did when he enters street fighting. You will do everything to convince me to let you become a teacher, but you never argue. You let me decide what I wanted to do. You let me control you by saying YES to everything I say. Why? Because you know that I know what’s best for you. And you know that I know that you can’t be on your own.”
“Son, we are not enemies here. We love you, you, you are our baby boy, right? We want you to be happy, all of you.” Mom seconded.
“You are not ready for life Dwayne Dale,” dad said. “If you think that you keep on saying yes just to please me, then it’s not. You keep on saying yes to me because you know that you are not ready for the consequences of the result if you disobey me. You are not ready to face the result if you will mess with your decision. So you said yes, at least if the result is not favorable to you, no one can blame you but the blame is on me. Because you are not ready to face life alone. And you still need us. That’s the truth.” And then he faced them too.
“All of you are not ready, if anyone here is ready, it’s only Damon. So stop comparing yourself to your brother, because Damon can be himself. He’s dirty, he clean. After all, we’re the only ones who interrupted him because no matter what happens, he’s still our son so he can’t ahead with us even though he proves a lot.” Then he looked at Dane and Dale.
“You two? Who fixed your problems? Who is the reason why your partners are with you now? Who helped you so that your businesses that were almost bankrupt did not completely go? Is it Damon, right?” Then he looked at me.
“Now tell me, Dwayne Dale. What can you prove to yourself? What can you fight for that you can stand this time?”
“Can I follow what I want this time?” I ask. “Can I prove that I can face life alone? I can’t be like Dylan exactly but I can prove that I can be—–at least like him. That I can make a decision and stand on whatever the result is. And I can start by filing an annulment with Lauren.”
“When it was that easy for you to let go of Lauren? Wasn’t she important to you?”
“Do you think it’s easy for me to let go of Lauren, Dad? She became a part of my life and we shared a deep bond. If only I, I wanted her, but I can’t give her what she wants. Lauren keeps on asking before having a child but I’m the one who doesn’t want it. And I know, every one of you knows the reason why.”
“So, this is all because of her?” he asked and this time I was in tears. “Not because of Carmona but because of her?”
“Yes.”
“Dwayne Dale, son.” Mom came and sat beside me. “Forgive yourself. Whatever happened in the past is a lesson. It should be your strength. Everyone is moving on and for sure she is too.”
“I can’t move on. I just thought I had moved on. I forgive Carmona because I want HER to forgive me too. But the guilt and pain are still haunting me. I don’t want to love Lauren because I don’t want her to be like her. I don’t want to be with Lauren because I’m afraid to give her a child. Because I don’t want what happened before to happen to her.”
“Dale, Dale son.” Mom comes and hugs me. “Oh, my baby boy. I’m sorry if you didn’t sympathize with me for everything you went through, son. But please, baby, forgive yourself. Set yourself free.”
“Mom, I-I love Lauren.” Then I hugged him back. “And I want her to be happy. But I can’t give her the happiness she needs. I can’t mom.
“I can’t deny it anymore because it’s clear to me what I’m feeling. For a week that Lauren and I separated I felt weak, alone, and empty. And I realized it’s because of her.
“Then let go of the past, she’s happy now and for sure she already forgives you. It’s time for you to move forward,” dad said. “Stop locking yourself in the past.”
“Let him, dad,” Dylan said so even daddy and mommy looked at him. “If that’s what he thinks is right. I think this is the right time to allow him to do what he wants. So that he could say nothing. He hasn’t made up his mind since he made a mistake because he’s just saying yes to you. Let him go now so he doesn’t have anyone to blame. Let him file the annulment.” Dad sigh.
“But Dylan, a lot of investors will surely—–.”
“I’ll take all the charges in Del Fuego and Dy. I’ll pay the expenses.” Then he looked at me. “If that’s what you want then go ahead. Go on and I will help you process it quickly. But face the consequences. This is your only action and only decision, so face whatever the outcome is.”
I hope I can handle the result. Even then, I knew I had a strange feeling about Lauren. Her smile makes me smile too. Every time I smell her scent, I feel calm and relaxed. I am excited to go home to see her. If I am stressed and tired, just one hug from her makes everything disappear. When I learned to kiss her I wanted to do it again and again. I feel I am a new me because of her.
I am what I am because of her. I feel that I can do everything as long as she’s with me. That I am better than anyone because of her. She makes me feel special.
This is the first time that I feel like this. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I love her. I love Lauren. I love her more than I loved the woman I first loved and sinned against—-Lindsay, my first love that hates me until now. Our maid that I abused and raped because she can’t love me back. The mother of my first son— who died during his birth. Because her mother killed him because of me.