In Love With My Boyfriend’s Brother

I wake up early and go to college.  In between classes, I get lost in reading a giant book that the professor suggested we read for a test later this week. It’s good to keep my mind occupied and not to remember that last night despite the wonderful time with Matt I did my best not to make so much noise because Yan would know what we were doing. Yan? This name in my thoughts again? I take a deep breath and go back to my reading, I promised myself that I don’t want to think about him or what we did on Saturday night. … I arrive at work at 1:30 in the afternoon. It’s good to keep my mind busy, so I don’t think silly thoughts. It seems to be the only thing that works. The problem is that here today everything is so monotonous and Kevin, one of the directors of the company where I work, decided to have one of his boring meetings in which we travel through the universe while he discusses the graphs presented in the slides. I try to pay as much attention as possible and empty my mind of nonsense by focusing on the graphics. … I get home and Matt calls me.  We won’t see each other today because he has work to do at home. And I find myself thinking that I’d better not have to go over there, so as not to run into Yan. I don’t like the way I’m feeling. …. I watch a little TV while I’m already under the blanket. I watch at the TV, but my mind is totally off, whatever the name of the movie is. Furthermore, I turn off the TV and decide to go to sleep. The problem is that I don’t quite do that. My mind is empty again, and there is only one place it wants to go: that night with Yan. “I fall in love with you.” This sentence keeps repeating itself in my mind. I’ve tried so hard not to think about what happened that I’ve done it until now. I hadn’t stopped to think about everything that had happened since that moment when Yan asked me to have sex with him. But now everything we’ve done, and the things he said, are going through my head without me being able to control it. Why would he say such a thing if he told me that it was only something physical and that it would never happen again? Why did he then go after a girl to show me that he had already forgotten what happened between us? Why did he get that way when he saw me with Matt? And most importantly, why did I feel like I was cheating on him when I went into the bedroom with Matt? Shit, shit, shit! I can’t believe I’m even thinking this. And I also can’t believe that I really wanted to be in that girl’s place just to know what his kiss tastes like. I close my eyes tightly to try to forget it all, but all I can remember is where his hands were that night, how his mouth was kissing me and marking me, the things he said to me… How could something so wrong feel so right while we were in that bed together? And why do I feel this strange chilled in the middle of my stomach every time I remember his mouth on my body? I don’t want there to be an answer to this. I can’t be loving him, I love Matt, always have and always will. Likewise, I can’t think about Yan because there’s nothing I can do about it because we’ve made sure it was a one-time thing and nothing more. Not only that, but I just have to get over it all. A few days later. I am finishing washing some glasses in the kitchen sink, while Matt is getting dressed in his room after his shower. Strange as it may seem, Yan and I keep up the casual conversation in the same way we always have. I can’t deny that I still feel differently whenever he is around, but I manage to disguise it very well. And the fact that he implies that he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore helps me to fake it better than I thought I could. I just wish that the fact that we had sex had taken the attraction for him away from me, but every time he arrives, I can still feel this strange anxiety. A few minutes later, Yan arrives with a girl, and he has his hand around her waist. I feel a tightness in my stomach now, something I wanted to avoid feeling anymore, but it still insists on happening every time I see him. They walk through the door while Matt and I are on the couch watching TV. Yan doesn’t look directly at me, but as they approach us, Matt stands up to greet the girl, which implies that he already knows her. Yan then says: “Sky, this is Tracy, my girlfriend.” I’m surprised. But I stand up and hold out my hand giving her my best smile while she does the same, but her smile at least seems real. She is a brunette and has shoulder-length straight black hair. She is pretty. No, she’s actually beautiful and from the little we’ve talked about as soon as she sat down with Yan on the sofa, I can tell she’s not like the other girls he’s brought here before. Maybe this time it is really for love that he has started dating. And I like to see him with someone nice like that, but I catch him looking at me, while she says something to Matt. I just wish I knew what was going on in Yan’s mind.Content (C) Nôv/elDra/ma.Org.

Tracy stays for dinner. We order pizza and I swear I think she’s a pleasant person. She offers to help me with the dishes and as soon as I’m a little short, I tell her I’ll finish washing up, and she heads in the direction of where Yan is watching TV. Matt comes over to where I am standing and says that he is already going to his room and that he will wait for me there. He hugs me from behind and puts his hand under my skirt, making me close my eyes, lay my head on his shoulder and wish we were no longer in the kitchen. He laughs, and I come back to reality as he completes: “Come quick.” He winks at me, but as he turns to leave, I see that Yan is looking away from us, while Tracy is on her lap watching the TV. I look again at the sink and finish up as soon as I promised Matt. As I dry the last glass, I look toward the living room and Yan and Tracy are kissing. She is now sitting on the couch with her legs in his lap. They are in a slow kiss as she holds his face. He has one hand around her waist as he squeezes in some parts and the other hand is on one of her thighs where he smoother it slowly as he goes up to find the skirt she is wearing, and he moves his hand slowly up under the fabric and… He opens his eyes and looks in my direction. I turn around instantly. My face is burning. Damn it! I can’t believe he caught me looking at them there.